A Use for Spike
by Humida
Summary: discord unleashes a gas that makes the ponies in ponyville ravenous and spike is the only one unaffected!


A USE FOR SPIKE

With purples scales glistening and green spikes gleaming, Spike grooms himself in the mirror, rubbing sleepy eyes. The purple bags under his eyes are large and heavy making his eyes droop and the tall dragon only stares at his reflection.

"Hey," says the purple pony behind him, now about half his size. "How are you feeling?" asks Twilight.

"Okay," says Spike, "I just wish I could have gone to the war with the other guy ponies. I'd have thought Celestia would have more use for me then just a messenger with Discord free again." Discord had broken free from his newly formed prison by the oddest form of chaos, a duo of ponies doing ... something that Celestia didn't want to go into details about. And now Discord was using this to drive each female pony mad with... something that made them wild mares. Wild uncontrollable mares and only male ponies could go to war, but he couldn't. Even though he was big and strong now. Just a messenger boy. Always a messenger boy for the beautiful... long legged.. Princess with a flowing mane... He slaps himself trying to clear his head.

"Just wish I had some more use then this," he says.

"Oh don't worry," says Twilight, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "I'm sure she'll find a better use for you soon. Go to bed birthday boy. 18 year olds should know how to listen to their queens."

"Yeah..." says Spike yawning. "It was a good birthday." Rarity had given him a chaste kiss on the lips and he made it a little more. Despite his age he still felt something within him stir for that pony. Stir more then usual if the signs in his body indicated anything.

Eyes drooping, he heads to his enlarged bed and falls asleep, finding himself walking through a cotton field with grape punch raining from the sky while sliding on soapy roads. "Discord," he mutters.

"At your request oh heavenly dragon and protector of ponies!" says the strange chimera creature popping up before him.

"Discord!" Spike yells.

"I heard you the first time kid," he says putting his finger on Spike's head, turning him back into a small dragon from back several years back.

"What do you want?" says Spike, ignoring the large diaper on his waist.

"Actually... it's what you're going to want, or what you've been wanting," says Discord.

"What?"

"Now that you're a man," says Discord, zapping him back into his grown self "Your ponies will need you a lot more then before. And if you aren't "MAN" enough then the elements of harmony will fall apart! Bwahahaha!"

Spike roars, green flames zapping the chimera, toasting his fur into blackened char. "We'll stop you," hisses Spike.

"Yeeessss..." says Discord, shaking the ash out of his fur. "Just like the royal guard who crossed the ocean. Too bad Celestia forgot about the sea ponies!"

"Sea ponies?" Discord points and Spike suddenly finds himself flaying deep beneath the waves, the royal guard floundering below the water as they are gripped by the tails of underwater ponies and surrounded.

"It's quite the show," says Discord, as one of the ponies is surrounded by four or six sea ponies. "Wouldn't you agree, Spike? Oh yes... you can't really see when you're drowning, can you?"

Spike flaps his arms under water, gasping for the air that won't come when he sees a vibrant pony heading towards him, a long tail coming out of her flank and fins instead of hooves. She looks at him seductively before leaning in and closing her mouth on his. She looked strangely like...

Twilight! He opens his eyes and sees the purple pony above him, her tongue in his mouth, and pushes her off quickly. "Oh that's good," she says with smile. "You were moaning in your sleep so I... um... was trying to wake you up. Uh... yeah... " she says.

"By giving me mouth to mouth!"

"Yeah... you did say you were drowning." she says with a smile, fluttering her long lashes.

"Uh yeah..." Spike sniffs the air and turns towards the window, seeing a green gas entering through the cracks in the pane. "Twilight! What is that?"

"Just some marsh gas," says Twilight distractedly. She leans close, fluttering her eyes. "Rarity is really missing something with you."

"Wha?" says Spike, cocking an eye. "What are... arraaaghghh!" Just as several times before, he coughs, spitting a letter in Twilight's face.

"It's a letter from the princess!" says Spike, feeling uncomfortable with Twilight's sudden advances. Maybe this will distract her.

Twilight opens the letter glancing through it quickly. "Discord is free again and is using swamp marsh gas to make ponies jump over males with reckless abandon. To overcome side effects... yatta... yatta... yatta... meh." She takes the letter and quickly shreds it to pieces, scattering the pieces around the room.

"Twilight?" says Spike in shock. She'd always admired the princess so much, her tongue was practically thirty feet long last week when the princess visited. It shocks Spike that she'd tear up a letter about Discord so easily. "Why'd you do that?"

She leans close, brushing her head under his neck, her limp horn seeming to start to stiffen. That... is uncomfortable.

"Oh..." says Twilight. "I have something more interesting then the princess right now. Something... Spikey..."

Spike dodges aside, wildly scrambling and picking up the pieces of the shredded letter. "I uh... better see what the princess really wants Twi. You should.. Yeah!"

She bites his tail making him scatter the pieces he'd just collected, accidentally burning half in midair with the flame shooting out with his scream. "Oh... great," he says.

"Yeeeessssss..." says Twilight. "Now we'll have no distractions from the princess while I enjoy your company!"

Spike rushes to the door, slamming it shut behind him. Breathing rapidly, he leans against it. "What the hell is going on here? Twilight is acting mental!"

"Oh Spiiiiikkee!" Twilight coos, and Spike sees the screws on the door suddenly unscrewing. "Ah hell," he whispers as the first screws fall with the clang to the floor.

The door is lifted into the air by Twilight's magical power, her horn twitching greatly, her tail wagging exaggeratedly. "OH SPIIIIKE!" she calls, looking around quickly. "Darn," she says. "He got away somewhere." She paws the ground and groans, then slams the door back down with a boom and shrieks in frustration.

Spike can feel his heart thumping, the sweat he has suddenly splashing on the floor behind him. He slowly unhooks his claws from the door frame and tip toes away into the bushes. He doesn't know what Twilight wants, but it scares him. So better make a getaway while he can.

Wandering through the edges of ponyville he tries to avoid the other ponies. The gas is everywhere and it seems to be affecting all of them. At a glance they all have that wild eye, as if sniffing the air and then almost seemingly zeroing in on him. If not for hiding quickly under stones or trees some of them would have found him. They seem to stampede close by whenever he comes near, wild frenzied eyes on every one.

"Must be a trick of the light," says Spike, sliding out of the owl nest he'd been hiding in as Lyra wanders away. "They all look crazy!"

"spike?" a soft voice calls and he jumps fifty feet into the air and turns with a scream, then relaxes. It's just the blonde pegasus pony. "Oh," says Spike, wiping his brow. "I thought it was one of those psycho ponies. Everypony here has gone mental. Did you notice that?"

"notice what?" says the pony, combing her hair and eating a mint. "does my breath smell nice?" she asks.

"Uh... I don't know," says Spike. "I'm too far."

"oh... right," says Fluttershy bashfully, moving her hoof in circular motions on the floor. "can you help me feed one of the animals?"

"Sure," says Spike, walking towards her. "At least there's one sane pony here. Alright, what furry animal do you need me to... Woa!"

Fluttershy has tackled him to the floor, leaning close with those same wild eyes the other ponies have.

"the wild animal I need you to help me feed... IS ME."

Spike can feel a small puddle forming beneath him as the yellow pony leans close. An hour later she leaves him, singing a tune to herself, his body battered and strangely high. He looks down at himself and growls, "Don't be so happy! That was a one time thing!"

He heads back home, slamming the door shut. "Ugh!" he yells. "Everypony here is insane! Fluttershy just jumped me!"

"Oh... did she?" says Twilight.

"Twilight?" says Spike out of curiosity. "Why do you sound so weir... Woa!" he yells as the pony turns around, her eyes twice their size, eye lashes plucked very long, mane waving prettily and coat glossy. But her eyes have that wild look to them and she is licking her lips.

Spike feels his heart fall through his legs. He'd forgotten Twilight had been hit by the same thing running through ponyville. "Oh yeah," he says looking at a fake watch on his wrist. "I forgot, Applejack asked me to help her with the apple bucking on the farm! I'm late!"

And he rushes at the door, seeing it glow suddenly. He jumps at it, struggling with the handle.

"Why are you trying to run," says Twilight in a soft purr against his ear. "Aren't you my number one helper?"

"But you're like my mother," says Spike, backing up against the door. "We can't do that type of stuff!" he says.

She puts both hooves at either side of his head, leaning very close to him, lips almost touching. "Oh, I'll make you scream mommy Spike! You can count on it!"

Anypony who passed the library within those two hours would have thought someone had a deep need for their mommy indeed.

Spike leans against the door frame, tongue sagging and looks down at himself. "Stop being happy, you jerk!"

"Why?" says Twilight, running her tongue along his cheek. "You were really good. Come back soon. I'm sure Applejack is waiting for you."

Her tongue sends a shiver up his spine and he nods rapidly, seeing her horn propping up again. "Yeah... Applejack! Bye!"

He slams the door quickly and speeds out to the farm faster then he'd ever thought he could run. Looking down at himself he growls, "Now don't get any more ideas. That was enough with Fluttershy and Twilight!"

"What ideas, sugarcube?" says Applejack, the orange cowpony with a hat. She stares with a wild smile, licking her lips. "Any you'd like to share?"

Spike groans. "Not you too!"

"Oh, we're gonna make you scream louder then either of those two!" says an almost manly voice behind him. Spike nearly jumps out of his skin seeing the rainbow pony, his skin running before his bones can catch up.

He hides under a stone and Applejack is quickly lifting it over her head, looking beneath. "He's not here!" she says.

"And what's that on top of you?" says Rainbow. Applejack turns in time to see the large mallet clonk her on the head, several small dragons floating around her head. Spike turns and rushes away towards the cliffs.

"You aren't getting away from me that easy!" says Rainbow, moving with the speed of a sonic rainbow. Spike pulls out a black can of paint, quickly painting an entrance into the cave wall and rushes through. Rainbow slams into the rock wall with a crash, the stone before her cracking.

"Ow!" She shakes her head, staring as Spike is running down the rails to the unreal road at the other side. "Hey!" she says, clawing at the wall. "He's getting away!"

"There's only one way out of that mountain!" says Applejack. "I'll cut him off!"

She heads off towards the other end of the mountain, pulling out her lasso. "Sorry Spike," she says. "But we all need a man, and yer' the only feller available. So you'll have to do."

As she sees him coming towards her from the painting she tosses her rope only then hearing the whistle of train. "What?"

A train rushes out of the painting, the rope having gripped the steam pipe above. Spike whistles the horn and jumps out. "Sorry girls! But I've had enough for today!"

The chase continues like this for another hour before both Rainbow and Applejack have worn themselves out in their pursuits, panting and out of breath on the floor. Spike himself is panting, tongue several feet long, but he's better for the wear then the other two. "Okay... I'm going home now... "

As he turns he finds a gooey pink substance on the floor gripping his feet and he stares down. "What the?"

"It's cotton candy!" says a pink pony, springing out from behind the bushes, her hair flattened against her scalp, eyes large and wild. Spike looks down at himself and sighs. "Okay, get it over with."

"Oh," says Pinkie Pie, leaning very close against him. "I don't plan to make this fast. We're going to take this... nice... and slow..." And she pulls out a long candy cane from out of her mouth.

Spike looks down at himself and huffs. "Now you react properly."

"Turn around and say "aw" Spike!"

Spike feels his skin turn several shades paler. "Mommy," he whispers.

Several hours later he wakens back at the library with the pony gang surrounding him. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack. His arms and legs are spread eagle on Twilight's bed, tied down by rope. "Wha-?" he says.

"You didn't give Applejack and Rainbow Dash their turn," says Twilight.

"And I won the coin toss!" says Rainbow with a wild feral grin.

"Just don't overuse him," says Applejack. "I still need him for some apple bucking too!"

"Don't worry," says Rainbow. "I'll just blow his mind out with some stunts I'd saved for the wonderbolts!"

Spike feels the bed get warmer and realizes he's wet himself.

As the action heats up it suddenly pauses in midmotion and Spike stares with wild eyes. "What's going on?"

There is a sucking noise and a glass is plunked on the table near the bed, the large chimera looking at him with a big grin, seated in a chair next to the bed. "So how are you liking your new use Spike? I bet it's a lot better then being a messenger boy!" he says with a clap. "They're even sharing!"

"Oh shut up!" says Spike.

"But we seem to be missing one element. I can't think what it is! Oh well... I don't think you care."

And with a snap the action heats up again and Spike screams, those screams soon muffled by a random pony's mouth. Was this really the use he wanted? Part of him answers with a definitive YES!

At her boutique a frustrated Rarity tosses her dress aside and stares at her wild mane. She crosses her hooves and makes a pout out of her face. "And here I thought I was Spike's favorite! So where is he?"


End file.
